I don’t know if I had particularly clarifying dreams last night, but my first thought of the day was “let it go.” The Disney song is so pervasive that if I closed my eyes and tried really hard I could probably turn this Pittsburgh tundra into a badass palace. But let go of what?
I’m sitting in bed, sipping chai tea and watching the sun rise over the park. This is the soundtrack. I tried to light some candles but my nightstand ones burned down so I lit a few matches and blew them out just to enjoy that smell. That smoke-smell is a muse on its own. And then I get it.
Let go of:
Everything. Anything that makes me feel heavy, unworthy, unlovable, restless, and dull. Anything that doesn’t add to my goals. Anything I wouldn’t want Lucy or Michael to be thinking or participating in. Anything I wouldn’t want my friends to be thinking or participating in. Anything that can’t be changed.
Easier said than done, especially for those of us who’ve been through the ringer. If you’ve suffered a tragic loss, abuse, neglect, or any big heartache, it’s natural to OBSESS, even if those things aren’t recent. Surely if we think enough about something we can figure it out and avoid it in the future. Except we can’t. And unless you are the cause of someone else’s loss, abuse, neglect or heartache, you aren’t responsible for those bad things. Let it go.The nasty thing about loss, abuse, neglect and heartache is that we can only go through the past so many times. When that becomes unbearable, we replace that noise with meaningless things that don’t feed us. You know what I’m talking about. I’ve participated in all these behaviors in the past week. They’re not particularly dangerous taken on their own, but collectively they can be roadblocks to letting it go:
- Too much of voyeuristic/reality TV shows (a little can be interesting in a psychological sense)
- Websites/profiles of people who are responsible for said loss, abuse, neglect and heartache. Yep, they are still there, still being douchey. Yes, they unfortunately have really great hair and other douchey people like them.
- Stalking frenemies. Those people you might kind of get along with if they weren’t self-important
- Music/Books/TV we don’t really like but feel the need to complete. We don’t have much time on this earth. It’s OK to turn the channel, close the book. Same with people you don’t really want to hang out with
- Physical habits that fill the silence: biting nails, picking zits, overeating, not eating enough
- Thinking of all those THINGS you kind-of-sorta-need eventually
- Making too many lists instead of doing things
- Worrying about what total strangers think of you
- Thinking in terms of “if only. . .” If only I had that new job, that promotion, that extra $1000
- Online putzing: refreshing websites obsessively, reading articles you don’t really care about, too many cat videos, Twitter statuses, blog stats
- Old emails/mementos from toxic people
I could go on, right? We are only human, but how many times a day do we do tons of these things?And it actually prevents us from letting go of hurt. Because to let go of hurt, you have to hold it in your hands first, and you can’t do that if your hands are tightly clutching all this other crap. You have to examine hurt, hold it loosely, and then. . .LET. IT. GO.